1. |
uncle jay
03:51
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i always had trouble with sentiment. these words are easier to say 100 miles away. i think i learned it from our father. i think he learned it from his father. i think i learned too late the importance of trying to communicate my gratitude, of saying i appreciate having you in my life. it's a bond that we'll never break. three decades of history. on and on, through and through. no matter the path you take, no matter the choices you make, i'm behind you all the way. if one of us makes it through this we're both gonna make it through this. as sure as the sun rises every day, as sure as the summer brings pouring rain, as sure as my heart finds a way to beat, i'll be on your side.
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2. |
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hey everyone! people cling to rotten memories, singing their shit luck. they avenge the injustice of the present by smearing the future inside them with shit. the worst part is wondering how you'll find the strength tomorrow to go on doing what you did today and have been doing for too long. where you'll find the strength for all the endless running, the projects and the promises that come to nothing. when i pray i feel like i'm talking to myself. i'm all self-defeat and self-evaluation. we falter, we founder, we do all we can to keep from going under the weight of the crushing necessity. all the rest is disappointment and fatigue, our journey is entirely imaginary. that is its truth. that is its strength. it goes from birth to death. it never fucking ends.
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3. |
prayers
02:51
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i ask the birds in the trees how they sing when they don't have an answer. i ask the rain how it keeps falling down without breaking its stride. i ask the skeletal trees how the promise of spring gives them hope and keeps them growing. i ask the sun and the stars how they burn without losing their shine. i ask the sweetest dreams of my restless sleep to carry me to the pounding sea. i ask the ocean waves crashing over me to finally clean all these callouses off of my skin and leave me more pure than i've been before.
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4. |
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suddenly everything i'd complicated rolled in and washed up over me (an empty shell washed out to sea). i overpowered all my best intentions, i mistook numbness for serene (a clumsy scramble towards control). and even as the words kept spilling out, my heart split, alive, but misaligned like a fault line. there's a sadness in this world that gets to us in different ways, but it always gets to us. everything felt literal and temporary, gossamer and paper-thin (a frustrated apparition). i am a gong resounding, resonating, a cymbal clattering. at times the argument felt like nothing more than desperately alone and desperately unsure. i'm trying not to be so desperately alone. the war is over.
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5. |
citrus county
03:36
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after a while there was nothing but noise and flame - the kind of noise you'd think impossible, insufferable, consuming. my head and my heart and my mind and my throat were so full of noise. i thought that it was over, that i'd turned into noise and flame myself. after a while, the flames went away but the noise remained. the embers still burned bright, the smoke still stung my eyes, the smell of sulfur still hung in the air like images, like memories. important, but unclear. insight comes in funny ways. after a time, it became impossible to think i'd make it out of this alive. i had to be somewhere while i waited, somewhere dark and hard to find. so i wait, and i hide. after a while, it all went away, but this crippling sense of frustration remained. the embers still burned bright, the smoke still stung my eyes, the smell of sulfur still hung in the air, attention: deflected. everything became clear like ghosts, like rain, like fear, like waves.
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6. |
majestic as fuck
02:54
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what was i waiting on? a reaction. something to sell me on my worst fears. what was i building on? frustration, a lack of confidence and momentum. if i'm not on your side, if you're not on my side, we may never get this right. there's so much left to fight for, on and on and on. don't give up now. well i've been caught up on apprehension that all we had was all we'd ever have instead of a stepping stone to become all that we could be. i was drowning in the urgency. we're closer now than we've ever been.
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7. |
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for all the pain, for all the hesitation, for all the horror and the suffering, for all the nights that i spent in my bed saying, "i can't. i can't. i can't," this world is beautiful. we all have a choice we can make, and i know how it feels sometimes to know it's gonna be okay. for all the pain, for all the consequences, for all the knucklehead anxiety, for all the nights that i spent trying to say, "i can. i can. i can," this world is beautiful.
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8. |
sleep
02:07
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i solve my problems with medication and denial of what I know is real and surround myself with the like-minded; because I know that they won't challenge me to change the underlying causes of my discontent. maybe I should settle for some sleep? I use disappointment like a drug. no matter what I have it's still never enough. I'm never satisfied. my head and self-esteem collide. I'm have, have-not, and hand-to-mouth til way too much and not enough collide. and I'm worried that's what's happening tonight. I'm looking for the darkness on the bright side of things, on and on and off again.
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fair traitor Gainesville, Florida
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